Do It Naturally

**Four Year Olds Do It Naturally**

16 years ago when I first moved to France with my horses, I had a life changing experience with a child. She was Lydia, the four year old daughter of my friend.

Fergus. source

Those of us with horses know that a lot of your time is spent, not riding, but picking up poop in fields or in stables. I was out in the field with this little girl (because I'd been given the task of looking after her for the day), and this little girl was helping me pick up the poop. All of a sudden she threw all her tools down and said, 'I have had enough with this. I don't want to do it anymore.'

This was a challenge to my influencing skills. I needed her to do it so how could I help make this happen? I thought quickly and decided I had 4 options...

Option 1, I could threaten her, and say to her, “If you don't do this, I'm going to tell your mom and when she comes home you're going to get punished,” or something to that effect.

Option 2, I could try and offer an incentive to bribe her to do it, and say, “If you do this, I will give you a reward at the end. We'll play a game or you'll have an ice cream.”

Option 3 came when I thought I could try and explain to her exactly why I'm doing these tasks. So what is this system that I'm a part of and why do I do this every single day?

It occurs to me now that these three options are the self same strategies deployed by many who manage performance in organisations!

Then I wondered whether you can reason with a four-year-old child.

As I’m always ready for experiments, I went and sat down with her on the grass. I asked her simply, “Why do you think I do this?''

She said, “I have no idea. I only do the things that I like and I don't like doing this.” So I replied with, “Well I don't really like doing it either. So given that I don't like doing it, why do you think that I do it?” To which Lydia replied with, “Well you must be stupid, I don't do things that I don't like.”

So I informed her that I wasn't stupid (!) and said I thought that we needed to look at it differently. I asked her what would happen if I didn't do it? She sat and thought for a moment, and then she looked up at me with wide eyes and said "the field would be full of poop".

I asked her if that mattered. And she said, “Mommy told me if the horses are standing in poop, their feet can get sore and it would hurt.”

I asked her if there was anything else and again she thought. She looked at me again and blurted out "the field would be full of poop."

Girls and Horses

Again, I asked if that mattered and she said that the horses wouldn’t be able to eat grass, which is something horses love doing. I then asked her again if that mattered.

The little girl replied that the horses wouldn’t be happy, they would be hungry and eventually they would die as a result.

At this point I grabbed hold of her arm and said, “Ok so you’ve told me the horses would have poor feet, they would be hungry, and they would be unhealthy. But I’m with you, let’s go and have some fun!”

"No! No!" she exclaimed, “We’ve got to do it. We’ve got to do it now!”

That was a big lesson for me to learn. When somebody, especially a child, sees the value in what they do, and sees they have agency in a system, it can make a massive difference in their lives.

This little girl is just four years old, meaning that at four years old, she can think systemically and can make choices.

How are we limiting the choices of little girls (and boys) all over the world?

I told Lydia's tale to a head teacher in a Primary school and she told me this:

“Yes I couldn’t agree more but this little girl will not progress in her thinking this way unless the vast majority of adults she comes into contact with follow this lead. Many will close this lead and close down her choices. She will be expected to acquiesce and unquestionably asked to “tow the line” often without explanation both in the home and the school situation. They then become unable to make choices – the choices are all made for them”

Notice those words "in the home". It isn't only in the home, it is everywhere. We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are all teachers and learners all our lives. It is a big responsibility. We influence every living being we are in contact with. Think about it.....

I am adding this some years later. I have a discomfort about using this form of questioning with adults. Many think I am trying to embarrass them and prove that I'm smarter than them. And then they react very badly to me. I become public enemy number one. Not exactly the right way to win friends and influence people!

It seems to be ok to tell the story as long as I am not "doing it" to them.

Where does that leave me? I am looking to leverage influence....

I am told we can take a horse to water but we can't make it drink. Does that mean that I should take the water away? Well, I don't think so. If I do that the horse will eventually die. But if I wait and keep offering the horse will eventually drink.

I have to wait until adults are ready and curious. They need to know where to find the water when they decide they want to drink.

And in the meantime, I can be "the model" myself. I can model the behaviors and wait until the horses get curious. And for them to approach they need to feel safe. This means that I need to slow down and control myself. I need to trust the system and it's intelligence.

I woke this morning with the realisation that the model that is me needs to be shared if it is to spread. I can do this by writing true stories about my experiences. I shouldn't be afraid of sharing. If I am how can I expect anyone else not to be. We lead by example.

And finally the realisation that a graceful expansion of this is poetry. Poetry plays with words and inspires curiosity about what it means.

See Kerry's Poetry